.bullshit.

[Jenna]

I am thirteen years old and everyday for the past four years, I have wanted to leave this planet.

How can someone be so young and so broken? I was nine years old, and wanted to kill myself. How is that even possible? How can that happen?

It didn't.

I was an attention seeker, or so everyone I told said. "You just want attention; you're fine." I didn't want attention. I was in fourth grade. Why would I want that kind of attention? Why would I want everyone wondering if I was gonna kill myself? Why would a fourth grader want to kill themselves? Truth be told, I don't even really remember what triggered my depression. I had a 'perfect' family. I had the 'perfect' friends. Why did I feel so broken all the time? All I can figure is all the years of bullying caught up to me. It was also the year that my parents stopped caring about me. Summer before fourth grade, I had to take care of myself. I was eight, and had to take care of myself. My mom was on bedrest with my brother, and my dad was a truck driver who was only home on the weekends.

I lost my childhood so early on, and I think that's what made all of the bullying I had received for so many years come crashing down. My parents stopped caring. My friends weren't really my friends. What was the point of living when no one cared about you?

I couldn't think of one either.

All during fourth grade, I was so fucking sad. Sadder than a nine year old should be. I thought there was no reason to keep living. But I held on. In fifth grade, I went up to the middle school. My middle school was a whole bunch of schools put into one. I think there were about four different elementary schools that went into the middle school. I thought everything would get better, and it didn't. It didn't once get better. Just new people to treat you like shit. New people to not care about you.

Middle of the year in sixth grade, I got my first boyfriend. Well, first serious boyfriend. He was my best friend, and he still is. His name is John. We dated for about a month, and I was devastated when he broke up with me. I mean, I cried and cried and cried. I thought the world was gonna end. And to make it worse? I had been getting happier. I thought everything was getting better. But it didn't.

In seventh grade, I started cutting. You can't see the scars on my wrist unless you're looking for them. You can't see them, unless you know where they are. And for that, I'm thankful. In November of seventh grade, I started dating this guy named Pany, and stopped cutting. Everything was getting better, right? Everyone thought I was just so much happier, right? Well what they didn't know is, we argued everyday. Over so much bullshit that I don't even remember. I cried everyday. Then, our arguing had calmed and all that good shit, and the news came.

I was moving. To a different state. Here I was, living in the same state in a big city my whole entire life, and I had to move to a different state to a small town. That's where I am now. After I moved, I didn't want to get happy. I didn't want to get settled. I didn't want to. I just wanted to go home. That's all I wanted. Well, I made a few friends, and it started to not be total bullshit. But then my mom and I started arguing everyday. I cut again, on my wrist again, after over six months. Probably about eight months. I stopped. I made a best friend. Her name was Bella. Summer went by pretty great.

I start eighth grade, and I had no one. Literally no one. Bella was a grade ahead of me. My mom and I still argued everyday. I cut again. On my leg. Those scars are more visible. I made some friends, and it started to not be shit.

But I'll always remember what this guy, Damian, told me: "You're going nowhere in life, just kill yourself."

How can you tell someone that? How can you tell someone who already thinks about killing themselves and cuts up their leg due to their depression that? How do you live with yourself after saying that to someone? How? I know he saw my cuts. I know he did. I was wearing sweatpants, and my leg itched, so I lifted up my leg and scratched it. My pants came up. I didn't realize it until I saw him staring at the cuts. I put down my pants leg and ignored his questions of what that was. He knew what it was. He just wanted to see me broken and hear me say,"That's where I cut myself." He wanted to see my face get red and see me fighting back tears. But I ignored him. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

I stopped cutting when I got close to my best friend, Emma. She turned my life around. I still think about killing myself everyday, but if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here anymore. I would've killed myself. I remember crying so many times in the middle of the night and she stayed up to talk to me. She stayed up to make sure I was okay. She's my best friend, and even though she'll be in eighth grade while I'm in ninth, she will continue to be my best friend. No one will ever change that.

It's just been a shitty four years. I'm sick of wanting to die every single day. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep. I'm sick of everything. When will it get better for me? I'm so damn sick of everyone going,"It gets better." B u l l s h i t . It's been four years, it should've gotten better. It hasn't.

I start high school in the fall, I swear to god I am going to make it better. I am going to stop being so damn in my bubble and I am going to get out there. I am going to make everyone know my name. I want my name being on all of their lips. I want them to know me. I want to be known. I want to live it up. And it will happen, because I will not give up. I am going to make it better. I am going to reinvent myself if I have to, because I'm sick of living like I'm not alive.

I am Jenna, not some girl to fade into the crowd like I have for thirteen years. Fourteen will be my year. Fifteen will be my year. Sixteen and seventeen will be my years. I will die trying if I have to, because I'm done with this bullshit. I am done. I am no longer who I used to be; I am Jenna. I am a force to be reckoned with.

[Fennec]

You're strong. No matter what that freak Damian or anyone else thinks, you will always be strong. And I am so extremely proud to say you're a sister to me. I love you, Jenna. We all love you, and we'll always be here for you.

[Jenna]

Lizzi, I adore you. You're definitely someone I can always count on for anything. I love you too.



And since that was all depressing and shit, I didn't include this in there, but I'll post it right now:

I like this guy. His name is Chris. While I am going to be a freshman, he is going to be a junior. It's really irrational and stupid for me to like him. I've never spoken to him a day in my life. He lives by my friend, Laynie, who lives in walking distance from my house. Like, they live in the neighborhood over. I've seen him in person a total of about four times or something stupid, and yet, I like him. I don't even know. I think he's ridiculously attractive, and he's a nice guy. Or at least, he seems to be a nice guy. My friend, Marissa, told me he's a dick. Her best friend apparently dated him and she said that he would talk to her for a few days and then completely ignore her. I don't know, I'd ignore her too--she's fucking annoying. Anyways. My sister tells me he's a really great guy. And I believe her. She's hung out with him before. But my chances of ever being anything to him are about a million to one because his last girlfriend was absolutely stunning. I mean, she was BEAUTIFUL. Other than the fact that he's attractive as all hell, he quit football to be a cheerleader. He gave up what everyone was telling him to do to do what his heart wanted. He lost friends because they couldn't handle it. And I find that amazing. Anyways, it's just some silly crush that will probably never get acted upon, but he's all I've thought about for a week now, and I tell you guys everything, so I figured that I'd tell you guys.
And Morgan/Taylor, if you read that and want to know who he is, message me on Facebook and I'll send you a link to his profile. So yea.

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

So I brought myself to read this because it looked deeply important and I love you <3

FUCK ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE TELLING YOU TO GO DIE.THEY CAN GO FUCKING DIE THEMSELVES.God I hate people like that!God,I mean really?WHAT NORMAL UNCRUEL PERSON DOES THAT?He's one of those people who enjoy hurting with others and ugh...I love you Jenna <3 You have people who care for you,your best friend does,I'm so glad you have someone in your life to help you through this,who you can talk to when you need to.Stay strong,be brave,and keep your chin up.Oh,and when people say shit like that tell them to go fuck themselves and then walk off before they start saying shit!

And Jenna,sweetie,you NEVER act upon your crushes and I think you should...Not come out when you've NEVER hung out with him or anything,that would be kinda scary.You have to build up a relationship and maybe you can have your sister help you.He sounds like an amazing guy who doesn't give a shit what people say about him.You two would be perfect,of course,I would still be your favorite person EVER (:

[Jenna]

Well, you know, it was kind of important. It was me just getting everything out there, because I never do. Sure, I get out a lot, but never really touch down on my depression and talk about that like I should.

I did tell him to fuck off. Multiple times.

I NEVER ACT ON MY SHIT BECAUSE I HATE GETTING HURT AND I ALWAYS GET HURT BECAUSE THEY NEVER FEEL THE SAME AND I DON'T WANT TO CRY OVER THIS GUY. I SWEAR, I CRY OVER EVERYTHING. BUT, I MIGHT SAY HI TO HIM AND TRY TO TALK TO HIM EVEN THOUGH HE PROBABLY WON'T REPLY BECAUSE HE'S UGH AND I'M EW. so.

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

YOU ARE NOT EW!!!!
GET THAT THROUGH YOUR STUBBORN LITTLE HEAD THAT YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND YOU KNOW,I DON'T SEE HOW OTHERS DON'T SEE IT.BECAUSE I THINK YOUR FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!And you know,saying hi is a start.

I noticed,you never write this much and so I had to read it all and make sure you were going to be okay.And your right,you really should talk to people like this,it's supposed to help.

[Taylor]

First off, you're so strong and I respect you so much for deciding to change. All those assholes who are being well... assholes to you, fuck them. They don't mean anything. They obviously don't know you if they're acting like that.

Also, you can never be sure if you don't have a chance with him, especially if you think it's because of your looks. I mean, in that case, why would you want to date someone so incredibly shallow? You should at least make an effort to get to know him better. You might be surprised.
And ooh gurl, you know I want that facebook link.

And hey, don't feel bad for never acting on your crushes. The only reason I did for the last person I liked was because my friends literally forced me to. (They grabbed my computer and told him I needed to tell him something and said if I didn't finish it they would. Bitch ass move, but I kind of thank them for it because I think it helped me get over him quicker, even though that was in the summer and I didn't stop liking him until December WOW I GOT OFFTOPIC OKAY) and I really don't feel like I'm acting upon the guy I like now lol.

[Jenna]

Vicky, shut up. You don't believe me when I tell you that you're beautiful, so. I might talk to him. And I might put up a picture. Because I'm a good person...Sort of. Lol.

Taylor, YOU NEED TO TELL THIS NIGGA BECAUSE I PERSONALLY THINK HE LIKES YOU BACK IF HE MAKES SURE YOU KNOW IT'S FAKE AND WHATNOT. anyways. I might make an effort to talk to him. You make the billionth person to tell me that (not including Vicky). And thank you, I guess. I need the change, really.

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

I feel so excluded ._.
Might is good enough for me :D
And SO?...It's called being able to see someone else's beauties and not your own.

[Taylor]

Shhh. I don't think he does, but I'm just pessimistic as fuck so. You should though, I mean you can get to know him and see if he's really a dick or really nice. And maybe he'll be like wow, this chick is super rad I like her. Win/Win situation right therreee.

& Vicky, I like the person in my icon and I thought he was dating this girl but I went to this local venue where his band plays and we were talking and he told me he was just pretending to date her like randomly so yeah c;

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

I try and focus on the guy...But then I see that other guy behind him and I start laughing...I get distracted,even when it comes to pictures.
AND THAT'S GOOD ISN'T IT?That he's not dating her...Wait a dang flab minute...
Why would he pretend to date someone randomly? o.o
And you are quite pessimistic Taylor,although,I think all three of us are.

[Taylor]

Haha, JENNA THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND IS LUIS A.K.A. KID WHO MESSED UP MY BACK. ALSO IN THAT PICTURE I"M WEARING HIS HAT. c; Anyways. He was pretending to date her because some guy was stalking her, or something like that. I'm not entirely sure.
I think we are. We're like. The three pessimists. Get it? Like musketeers. But.. Not. Har. Har.

[Jenna]

fuck you guys.

i'm pessimistic, too, so it's okay.

he told taylor randomly that he's fake dating the other girl. proving that he likes taylor.

end of.

all of us are pessimistic, apparently.

[Fennec]

Arrr!

Lizzi can be quite pessimistic! Mostly in science class, but hey! Ms. Igo is a bitch- I mean... wut?
(Heh. I just had a little 'Jenna' moment!)

[Taylor]

THAT PROVES NOTHING!
But aw, I'm more awkward it's okay I literally have the chat box opened with "hey" and then erase it and keep typing different ways to say hi and then feel like all of them are stupid and give up after about an hour.

[Jenna]

MOTHERFUCKERS. HE FUCKING REPLIED AND NOW I AM FREAKING OUT. I CAN'T NOT REPLY BECAUSE IT SAYS I'M ONLINE AND FUCK. SHIT. CUNT. I HATE ALL OF YOU.

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

I LOVE YOU TOO <3
WE NEED UPDATES HERE!!!!
WHAT DID HE SAY!?!?!?!
PSSHHHH HE TOTALLY LIKES YOU TAYLOR <3
AND WE CAN BE THE THREE PESSIMISTS AND LIZZI,YOU CAN BE OUR KITTY PESSIMIST :D
He's just...THERE IN THE PICTURE AND I LAUGH

[Taylor]

OKAY YOU GUYS. When I tell him I like him, and he doesn't like me back I'm going to blame you guys for giving me false hope okay. ;-)))
BUT AW JENNA DAS SO CUTE HE WANTS THE D <3333

[Jenna]

Then he said what.

Fuck.

I hate all of you.

Taylor, he totally wants the d. Your guy, not mine.

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

T-T
WHY DO I GET BLAMED AND WANTING TO BE MURDERED FOR EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!
...
You shouldn't have said wanting to murder your friends...People don't take that too kindly.AND NOW I SQUINT AND LOOK AT HIS PICTURE!

[Taylor]

He doesn't want the D I will prove it. Eventually.

[Mrs.Fred_Weasley]

....
And then what do we get if we're right?
(:

[Fennec]

We all love you Jenna! *kissy kissy!*

Now Lizzi will disappear, because Lizzi wants to watch Lost!

[Taylor]

Then you get the satisfaction of being right and me being happy? c:

[Jenna]

He put a frowny face. Awh.

Then he said "Okay "

Taylor is getting all of this sooner than you. XD



HE WANTS THE D, TAYLOR. WHEN WE'RE RIGHT, I WILL LAUGH.

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