Re: Just something Im doing on tumblr.

[Taylor]

Day Ten;

Spoiler:

[Jenna]

Day Ten.

I don't necessarily love them, but I don't freak out if they're showing anymore. I'm a motherfucking tiger that earned her stripes.

[Jenna]

Day Eleven.

School bathroom and church bathroom

[Jenna]

(I'm not positive that I'll have internet tomorrow so I'm doing tomorrow's now.)


Day Twelve.

I keep them in my room.

~~~~~~~

Day Thirteen.

That it's not gonna help me any. But I keep doing it anyways.

[Morgan]

I got REALLY far behind!
Days 4-14. Here we go!

4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
I use to consider myself addicted. I don't anymore. I use to cut every day at least five times a day. It made me have this warm feeling that maybe if any one ever knew about this they would notice me. Soon I slowed dow. It was only once or twice a day, then only once or twice a month. I guess Im not addicted now... Im just hoping I don't relapse..

5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
The scars. I don't really find enjoyment in how they look and how I have to fight to get them to where they start to fade and where they are hidden...

6. What about it do you enjoy?
I like being in control. I like knowing that I did this and not anyone else. I could stop it. I didn't have to listen to anyone else. No one else could make me keep doing it or make me stop. I controlled everything.

7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
-Drawing
-Writing
-Playing with Hayden
-Taking pictures
-Walking around the lake
-Singing
-Laying in the grass, staring up at the sky
-Swimming
-Reading
-Watching movies

8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
"I love everything about you, scars and all. I'm not saying they make who you are but they make you stronger. I've been where you are, and I'm still fighting. Me and you, we will fight together. We will recover together. And I'll be by your side the entire time. I just want you to get better." -Thomas
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.

10. How do you feel about your scars?
Like I said in Day 5, I don't like them. I don't like that its something that will never go away and something that I have to hide. I feel like they show weaknesses...I don't want to be seen as weak...

11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
Barboursville Vineyards, my moms work. Up at the ruin in the boxwoods. Its my safe place. I cried and cut and no one knew.

12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
I keep them in a blue and silver jewelry box. They are hidden away now. Honestly I don't know where I put them, and I hope this is a good thing.

13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
Its not going to get me anywhere in life. It doesn't help anything. Well it does temporarily but not long term. If anything it makes it worse. And it doesn't make you better.

14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
Thomas is a huge inspiration to recover along wit my three year old nephew Hayden. They are my rocks. My knights in shining armor.

[Jenna]

Day 14.

My entire armed team is an inspiration in my recovery. They're all guys and they don't treat me any differently because I'm a girl. They're truly my second family (my entire drill team is, but I'm closer to my armed boys) and I don't know what I'd do without them. They're the only thing that keeps me going sometimes and I want to be better for them. Even if they don't know about it.

*********

Day 15.

I do. Various tumblr blogs and various Instagram accounts.

[Jenna]

Day 16.

Don't fucking start. It doesn't help and you'll just get addicts to it. Don't fucking do it. Just don't start. It's a terrible thing to do.

[Jenna]

Day 17.

I know a few people in person, and I know all of you, so.

[Jenna]

Day 18.

Dear me,
Thanks for getting your shit together. I know it was worth it. Thank you for taking the energy to do this and do this to better yourself and I know you feel better. Thank you for doing this for your team. Just thank you.
Love, me.

*********

Day 19.

1. You don't have to worry about people seeing
2. You fucking saved yourself
3. You bettered yourself
4. You don't have to feel so shitty all the time
5. You earned your goddamn stripes.

[Jenna]

Day 20.
When I did it at school because I was so pissed and depressed and shit.

********

Day 21.
All the time. I've been trying to avoid things that trigger me.

[Jenna]

Day 22.
The bus parking lot/the ROTC room.
The parking lot sounds random as hell , but that's where we practice for Drill.

[Jenna]

Day 24.
My favorite quote changes a lot, but at the moment it's a Winston Churchill quote. "If you're going through hell, keep going."

[WalrusFaces (Layla)]

Day Six:
That feeling of being in control for that one moment while youre doing it.

Day Seven:
Talking to someone
Showers
Venting
Watching movies all curled up under some blankets.

Day Eight:
I dont exactly tell people about it.... So theres nothing to really put here. Its not something Im particularly proud of...But when people do find out pretty much all they say is "Why??? Please Stop!!" :C and stupid unhelpful crap like that.

Day Nine:
No I have not. Like I said, not exactly proud of it.

Day Ten:
Theyre kinda apart of me. They arent as defined as they used to be but I can still see them. Probably just because I know exactly where they are.

Day Eleven:
Probably under the bleachers at school. I skipped chorus. It was a stupid class anyways.

Day Twelve:
I still have them. Theyre all in a smal silver lockbox under my bed. The key is in my top drawer. Most people who were trying to recover would trow it away right? Well I didnt. And theres nothing wrong with keeping them. Just in case.

Day Thirteen:
That no matter how hard you try, once youve cut that first time its really really hard to stop.

Day Fourteen:
Probably my friends. Perhaps my ASOTA group. Mr. McEnerney is a good one. Hes a nice old man who always has something inspirational to say.

Day Fifteen:
Various tumblrs I suppose. I dont really go out seeking that sort of thing but it does show up on my dashboard sometimes.

Day Sixteen:
Dont do it. Its a bad Idea. There are better ways to get rid of the pain. Dont even start or youll get yourself in some deep shit.

Day Seventeen:
You guys. And only three other people in person.

Day Eighteen:
Layla,
Good job. You were always able to do whatever you put your mind to. Im glad you decided to put your mind to quitting. Look how far youve come along. Never forget those days because theyve made you who you are now. Remember and learn from your mistakes. Good job. Im very VERY proud of you.
Love,
Yo' Goddamn Self.

[Jenna]

Day 24.
My mom. My house. My town. Stupid people. People who cant keep promises. Almost everything, ok.

[Jenna]

Day 25.
Nope. I used to, but I've forgot them. I don't like to think about self harm more than I have to.

[Jenna]

Day 26.
My drill team.
They're literally the only reason why I'm still here at this point.

[Jenna]

Day 27.
When I first started, I did it out in the open. Like, it was really hard to hide. Now, when I do it, I do it somewhere that can be really easily covered. And when I start up again, I don't do it for very long.
I don't know.

[Jenna]

Day 28.
To just get through each day without self harming.


**********

Day 29.
I follow some self harm instagram accounts.

[WalrusFaces (Layla)]

Day Nineteen:
1)Because I'll be a lot happier.
2)I wont have to worry about people noticing.
3)It means I wouldve succeeded.
4)I wouldnt hurt so much anymore.
5)Because Why the fuck not?

Day Twenty:
When I skipped gym and hid under the bleachers for the rest of the day sobbing uncontrollably.

Day Twenty one:
I never tried to stop in the past. This is the first time.

Day Twenty Two:
I think Erins Office. Theres nothing there to trigger me or any pressure to do it.

Day Twenty Three:
"Happiness does not depend on what you are, or who you are. It solely depends on what you think."

Day Twenty Four:
1)Being Alone: I cant stand to be by myself.
2)Thinking: sometimes when I think it feels like im exploding.
3)My house: Arguing arguing arguing all over pointless shit.
4)My family: They all act like somethings wrong with me. Im such a bad kid.
5)Idiots like Ryan Shithole.

Day Twenty five:
People who have cats are more likely to commit suicide. I have a cat.

[Taylor]

wow I forgot about this.

Day 11;

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Day 12;

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Day 13;

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Day 14;

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Day 15;

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Day 16;

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Day 17;

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Day 18;

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Day 19;

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Day 20;

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Day 21;

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Day 27;

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Day 28;

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Day 29;

Spoiler:

[raynebow2]

Hell, I guess I'm going to do it as well. Why not???


Day One:

How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.

Over a year? Something like that.

I can’t remember the exact reason I started but I know it had something to do with my biological family AND my foster family. Was super upset..yada yada yada. Had heard people talking about it helping. Decided to try it. Cut my upper forearm about thirty times? Felt a lot better afterwards. It was like I was on a cloud. Felt amazing. So.....I continued to do it. Again and again and again. Whenever I needed. And my razors were there for me. No matter what.



Day Two:

What part of your body is most affected by it?

Mainly thighs. Easiest place to hide it. There’s probably close to somewhere between 100 and 200? My sides have a few scars as well. But, mainly thighs.

[raynebow2]

Day Three:

What is your motivation to recover?

My motivation would be...my boyfriend, Alyson Tyler, Jarett, basically anyone with the link to my blog. And my dad. I know it would kill my dad to find out that I cut. He seems to only want me to be happy. And if I’m not happy, he won’t be happy either. Another motivation would be myself and my future. I don’t want to do this forever. I don’t want to need to do this forever. I want to be happy. Completely. And not need a stupid razor to make the unhappiness go away.

[raynebow2]

Day Four:

Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?

I used to not. Do I think I am now? Yes. I am. I used to do it because I was upset or I thought I needed it. Now I get little... itches (?)..that’s the best word for it. I start feeling like I need to do it. Even if nothing is wrong. I need it. If I don’t do it, things seem to get bad. I get upset, want to cry, get easily irritated, etc. Sooo...I do it. I’m addicted. I’m hooked on the pain and the rush I get with the blade hits my skin, the relief the blood flowing from the cut brings. The thoughts it temporarily erases. I’m addicted.

[raynebow2]

Day Five:

What part of self harm do you dislike the most?

Scars. Thoughts. The horrible feeling of caving afterwards. Having to hide things all the time.

Day Six:

What about it do you enjoy?

The pain and rush while you’re doing it. The relief afterwards. The scary calm it brings.

Day Seven:

List ten activities that help you calm down.

Reading.
Writing.
Talking to a close friend.
Getting Konrad to tell me a penis joke.
Listening to music.
Walking.

Aannnddd...I don’t have ten. Sorry.

[raynebow2]

Day Eight:

What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?

Hmm. Tough one. I would guess it would be something that Alan (my boyfriend/best friend) said to me. He’s the one who always knows EXACTLY what to say and EXACTLY how to handle the situation. I think the most supportive thing he ever did say to me would be “I love you.” It’s really just that simple. Always has been.

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