My thoughts are back

[Morgan]

Yes for the people who know, I have had suicidal thoughts. They have reoccured when this guy I'm talking to (John) started to make me mad. He was saying all this stuff and saying I am a horrible person. Growing up I was abused and when I told him he said he has been abused worse. He didn't know the whole story.
Ive been 'touched' by my grandfather, raped by him, hit by family and ect. Its not fair and Ive gotten help. Im in therapy and he called me out. He said he didn't believe me and that Im making it up. Why would I make that up?
He has made me feel worthless, and like Im nothing. It doesn't help that Im stressed from school and finals and stuff. The thoughts of cutting and killing myself have returned. I don't want to but sometimes, you can't say no. Ive thought about stepping in front a car, breathing in water while saying Im going to take a shower, anything and everything in a matter of an hour. I don't want to think this way and I know coming here, you guys will kinda help me. You guys are the only family I have and I just need someone to help me right now. I know Im an emotional teenage girl;but everyone has that stage...Im sorry about anything and everything, and...If Im not on here for a while...I love you all....

[Andyyyy]

I think you shouldn't talk to this guy anymore. He seems rude & ignorant, and obviously doesn't care for you. If he's a good friend, I know it'll be hard to just cut off all interactions with him, but it's definitely going to be the best thing for you to do. I've felt suicidal before, but I think I already told you about that. Needless to say, I don't feel that way anymore. Does your therapist know about your suicidal thoughts? You could always try medication for it, but I know a lot of people don't like the thought of taking pills for depression or whatever it is you'd like to call it.

Either way, if you need someone to talk to you can always message me on here, I'll try to reply as quickly as I can, and I may not have the best advice all the time, but if you just want to talk I'm here.

[Morgan]

Thank you Andy. I am on medication for it and It still isn't helping. I stopped talking to him and everything but the thoughts are still there. It also doesn't help that the fucking idiots I go to school with call me a depressed freak.
Ugh just I don't know what to do anymore.

[Andyyyy]

No problem, hun. & I'm sorry to hear that the medication isn't working. I hope you do find something that actually works. It's different for everyone, you know? Maybe as the days go on you'll just realize that you're happier, you know. Sometimes it just fades away. But good, I'm glad you aren't talking to him. & I'll be honest, I know I hate when people said this, because when you're in this state of mind, what people say DOES matter to you, and stuff, but really they're just stupid. Try to ignore them. Prove them wrong, even. Show up to school with a smile, and even if it's fake, just be happy. They'll get bored with it eventually.

And I've been there, I hope it gets easier, I'm sorry you're going through this :/

[Morgan]

Today in gym class,
Steven chucked a ball at my face and barely missed.
CJ threw a ball at me, hit me in the eye, almost busted my glasses and now my eyes is bruised and I have to hide it from my parents.
Sean, the guy I sorta like, tripped me and called me ugly.

Today in band,
The teacher told me Im worthless.

Today in Spanish,
the teacher yelled at me for sleeping because I can't sleep at night because of horrible nightmares.

I get home and I have no one to talk to;besides you guys. Im home alone and get to go to my moms and get yelled at for not cleaning my room correctly. Today has been a horrible day. I won't get to see my boyfriend and he has ignored me for the past 2 weeks.

Medicine doesn't help for some reason, just makes it worse. Therapy is just like "And how do you feel?" I feel fucking depressed! "And how does that make you feel." Fucking depressed.

I try to smile and 'be happy' but there is always someone who tears down my act, someone to call me out. I take my anger out by Gymnastics, and Basketball. Thats all I did for the whole 2 hours I was in gym class and have 2 and a half hours there tomorrow. Thats the only thing Im looking forward to.

All I have not started cutting, but I've put a blade to my skin. I can't get up enough courage to cut, but I know if I can't get help it will get to the point of cutting. Everywhere I look people are happy and smiling and I just want that to be me. I want to be happy with my boyfriend, I want to be pretty, and likable, I want to be smart and skinny, I want to be the girl other girls envy. I stay away from food because people tell me Im fat. Ive lost 20 pounds in three weeks. Ive gotten sicker and sicker in the past month and I know its not healthy. I eat saltines and drink water. When I eat I feel sick. I wear clothes that I hate, and cover up with a Jacket or sweatshirt. I wore make up today, I never wear make up...I don't know who IM becoming, but Im starting to get really scared of who I'm starting to be..

[babydoll16508]

Oh honey! That's not good. If you ever just want to talk, message me or whatever. I'm on this stupid site more than you are even! These people aren't worth the heart ache, the tears, and the feelings of self doubt. You are beautiful and perfect the way you are. I know it doesn't always feel that way and I know people have a major way to bring it all down, and people are just SOOO mean and it's sooo hard to ignore them. But it's okay. Don't forget, even though some forget to tell you and show you,they love you. Don't forget all of those ambitions and goals you have in your life. You deserve to accomplish them. And without you in the world, there will be one last person to help all of those needy children. I'm going to start doing what I did with my other friend. You're about to start getting a lot of PM messages from it.

[Andyyyy]

Jesus, that's horrible. People are so damn cruel, I don't understand them. Is there any way you get change the stuff? No one wants to be a snitch, but if someone's on your case you could report it to the school, or something. You should DEFINITELY report the teachers, though. Seriously, they'll lose their jobs for saying that, and they should know better. I do kind of understand why you'd get yelled at for sleeping, but they don't know your situation, so they could just feel like you find them boring & it irritates them?

But I know acting happy isn't always easy, and I'm sorry it isn't easy for you, and I really hate when people are upset and I don't know what to say. But think of it this way: Those people you see, always smiling, they could be just as easily faking it. I think everyone has their own problems, and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or lesser or anything like that, so don't take it that way, but I think that when we're teenagers we're just all stressed out and unhappy, and we have different outlets for our emotions. Some people are just depressed, others rely on other people to make them happy, some people are just outright assholes, but I do believe we all have our own issues. Honestly, and I can't really tell but, I don't think you're fat! Every picture you've posted on here, you've looked pretty skinny in all of them. Not eating is one of the worst things you could do to your body though, but I won't lecture you on that because I'm not your health teacher lol.

I also understand that cutting may feel like a safe option now, a nice outlet, but in the long run it just causes more problems. Some people get addicted to cutting, as if it were a drug or something. Even when they're happier, they don't stop cutting. You never know how deep you're going, or how much you're going to bleed. It's just not safe, and it's horrible. I have a lot of scars from when I cut, and I wear bracelets or long-sleeved shirts/hoodies all the time to cover them up, because they're so embarrassing and ugly. I really hope you find the help you need before you turn to cutting, because getting out of that is difficult.

[Jenna]

Fuck people.
I'm sorry.
I've been exactly right there before.
I'm not gonna type out a big long thing about how cutting is stupid and bad and crap because then I'd be a hypocrite.
But I hope you know that I have no life and you can text me whenever and unless I'm at school or doing something for school I should reply. No matter what you wanna talk about, I'm here for you.
Like I said before, fuck people.
Fuck people. Fuck idiots. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Fuck what they think. Fuck what they say. Fuck everything. We'll all just move into a freaking cave in Antarctica with the penguins and somehow the cave will stay at 72 degrees so we don't die. But I hope one of you can cook because if it's left up to me, we'll all be fucked.
We'll all just hide away from everything together.
Fuck everything but the wonderful people on this site. <3

[Morgan]

Thank you Jenna. Now that I gave my number I will text you if I ever need anyone to talk to. And same for you, you have my number now and you can text me anytime! I'll always be here for you guys. Always.

[babydoll16508]

I like Jenna's idea personally. And I'd be the cook! I love cooking.
Oh, and dear! I'm sorry I forgot to send a message yesterday...But yesterday, well, it was bad. And yeah. But you will get one today!

[Morgan]

It hasn't phased me or hasn't yet....me and jon broke up...

[babydoll16508]

Oh no! =(

[Andyyyy]

I'm sorry, Neaveh. Break ups suck, no matter which side of it you were on. :/
I don't know if I already offered or not but; If you need to talk to someone about it you could message me. I'm not on half of the time, but I'll reply as best I can.
Stay strong, dear <3

[Morgan]

Im fine about the break up, we are trying to stay friends. The thing that made me break down was, everyone texting me 'Whats wrong?' 'You okay?' 'Jon should have never went out with you you fucking bitch!' 'Die in a hole' 'Fuck you! You never loved him' so on and so forth.... Even my mom took his side.

One tuesday my great aunt passed away, I never knew her. The funeral is today. I just got back from the doctors. The one place I hate. I have friggin Asthma.. ugh

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