I posted this on Twitter and yea.

[Jenna]

I posted this on twitter and just figured I'd share it here. It's kind of ranting and whining mixe into one thing. That's always fine. So yea:

It always hits me at the worst times that I'll never meet or be noticed by my idols. I'll just be sitting there tweeting them and everyone else is talking about how they can't wait to see them again or something, and I know that I just can't. One Direction? Don't have money for concerts/don't live close enough to go to one if I did. Janoskians? They're from Australia, and I live in the United States. Even if they did come to the US, the chances of them coming even remotely close to my irrelevant STATE are slim to none. 

I legitimately cry so much over these ten boys that it's unhealthy. I'm already so depressed, I don't think you understand. My life is shit. People always say,"Oh you have food, clothes, a roof over your head, etc; your life isn't shit." I'm sorry, do you fight with your mom constantly? Do you have to worry if you guys are gonna have enough money that week to buy enough food? Did you leave everything you'd always known to move away due to your dad's job transferring and have him get FIRED for no goddamn reason less than a year later? Do you struggle to keep friends now because you're just not a well liked person? Do you cry every night? Do you struggle and constantly fight with yourself to not cut yourself? Did your dad still caring about you once he got the son he always wanted? Did all of your friends just decide they didn't want you anymore and leave? Do you have to deal with all the bullying and bullshit for being an atheist/not good enough/not skinny enough/not smart enough? Do your parents have sky high expectations that you just can't meet? I'm done naming shit, because I could keep going for hours. 

I wrote this on my iPod a while back, and I just remembered it: 

"I'm constantly not good enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not happy enough. I'm just not what everyone wants me to be. I spend every single second thinking about what people think of me. "I probably look stupid right now. I probably sound stupid right now. People think you're gross." I watch what I say because I want people to like me. I say I don't care, and I give off the illusion that I don't care, but it's a constant battle with myself. "No, you can't kill yourself. Maybe one day you'll find someone who will think you're enough." But I won't. I just lie to myself so that everyone else can be happy. But I'm suffering. I'm suffering so badly. I just want out. 

When will it all end?"

And when I found it, I cried and cried and cried. I'm sick of feeling like that.

The only good things that have happened to me in the longest time has been these ten boys and they'll never know who I am. They'll never see my tweets. They'll never follow me. I'll never get to hug them. I'll never get to tell them they saved my life. I'll never get to tell them I love them. I'll never even get them to smile at me or know my name or anything. And I can't fucking stand it. 

My birthday's in a little less than a month. August 21st. I turn 14. That isn't that monumental, but for someone who struggles everyday not knowing if they'll even make it to their next birthday without killing themselves, it means the world. I don't even know if I'll make it to then. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't. I just wish that my idols would know that they've saved me this far. That if I do make I to my 14th birthday, it's because of them. It's because they do what they do and they make me smile and they make me hold on. 

I just wish that for one day, they'd know who I am. Just one of them. I don't care who the fuck knows it, I just want one of them to. But they won't. 

Why would they? 

I'm just an irrelevant girl to them. 

Who cares if they're the reason I'm still breathing? 

Who cares, right? 

[Jenna]

And none of my friends give a fuck.

Sweet.

[Fennec]

All of us care! We love you Jenna. I'm in school right now, so I couldn't read it before. But I swear, you are like a sister to me. If you died or if anything bad happened, I would find out wher eyou live and come there for the funeral or whatever. I mean, I can't afoord a plane, so I would freaking walk. Even if you lived in like, russia I'd come see you.

[Morgan]

Im sorry Jenna, Ive been out on Vacation and haven't been reading anything lately but I just took the time to read this. You mean the world to everyone here! YOU ARE ENOUGH for US! You have helped me grow stronger and now its MY turn to help you grow stronger and see you're inner and outer beauty.

I know these where probably rhetorical questions and I don't mean to sound like a bitch but...
Yes, I fight with my mom, my sister, my step mom, and my father every day.
Yes, I know what its like to be picked on and bullied. It use to be because I didn't go to church and didn't believe in a god, then it was because my mother is gay. It sucks, Im not going to say it doesn't but keep fighting.
Yes, I fight my self EVERY day not to take a razor blade to my wrist, my thigh, or back of my leg and dig in. I fight my self every day not to reach into the medicine cabinet while I'm alone and just take all the pills i can get a hold of. I fight my self every day and it sucks.
Yes, I cry myself to sleep. its stopped for now but at any minute it will start back up.
Yes, my parents have crazy expectations for me. To go to college, major in English, minor in photography, get married, and have kids. To be happy and make all A's. They do this because they care.
Yes, I worry every day if I'm skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and everything else. If I'm good enough for everyone around me. DONT LISTEN TO WHAT OTHER SAY AND DO BECAUSE YOU WILL ONLY HURT YOURSELF!

The more you look in the mirror and smile at your reflection and point out the good things and not the imperfections the happier you will be, the more people will want to be around you and the happier everyone around you will be. Im a huge fan of Onision on youtube. I spent hours watching his videos and I cried my eyes out. He taught me how to be happy. How to see that its not what others think, or do, or say, its not what society thinks is perfect or beautiful, its what YOU think and what YOU see as TRUE BEAUTY!

Take a few minutes and watch this video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNZNdUbi5os

Watch the video over and over if you have to. Cry as you watch it. Smile and laugh and see that you are an amazing person.

I love you Jenna, you are enough. You are good enough. You are gorgeous. You are enough for me, and everyone else here.
Keep your head held high love.

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