I really need to rant.

[Taylor]

Well first off, I really like this guy. For the purposes of now, we're going to call him Voldemort, just in case any of my friends from school happen to have the link to this website and are creeping on it. And I mean like, I don't want to sound like some moronic teenage girl who's over-exaggerating her situation, but I really love him. I don't know. Honestly, he's the only person who can cheer me up, even by just saying hi to me or something. I'm just instantly in a better mood. I've liked him since the beginning of eighth grade (so like, I think October or November of '10?)

And a while ago on tinychat/oovoo, I was talking to his sister, let's call her uh.. Gandalf (idfk? xD) but he kept butting into our conversation, you know like he wanted to talk to me or something. At least that's how I picked it up. Well, Gandalf kept asking me who I like, and Voldemort kept guessing so I don't know maybe he was interested idfk, and after I tell Gandalf the next day who I like, we're on oovoo. And Gandalf leaves the room, and you can see Voldemort in the background looking around and then he runs over to the computer and starts talking to me (my friend was also on, but she was saying nothing. And she kept messaging me about how I was blushing, I was btw. It was terrible.) Well then he says, "Taylorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. You look cute." And he smiles. This genuine, heart-stopping smile, that just made me melt and I couldn't even say anything and Gandalf came back and went on the computer and ruined the moment but whatever.

So I told... let's just say the Giraffe (lmfao), and her immediate response was that he liked me back.

I wasn't buying this. He just thinks I'm cute, right? I mean. I'd love if he loved me back, but then yesterday, he's making these confession things, and one of them is that he has a major crush on this stupid whore faggot who I will call faggot with the duck face who does nothing but have sex and smoke weed all day long, and she just fucking pisses me off. She's just like this pathetic excuse for a human being, askldfjalskjdfasd. And maybe I'm just saying that because I'm jealous, and I don't give a fuck if it's true, but I know a guy who is like the complete guy version of her, and I hate him too. So. I think my hate for her is pretty genuine.

And now I've spent the last few hours crying over this, and I don't even know what to do. I wanted to tell him after he said I was cute, but now I think Gandalf (his sister) might have told him, and that's why he said it; to boost my self-esteem or some shit. To make me feel better. Hell, maybe even to lead me on. I have just never been so upset. I don't know what to do.

I was going to ask Gandalf about it, but she hasn't really been online, and I don't know. Voldemort's always online, of course, but I can't ask him. Because I fucking know if I ask him who I like, it's going to turn out like every other fucking conversation that's starts off like that, and I'm going to end up telling him and akjsdfalsdkfas. I don't want to tell him anymore.

I don't even know.

Just.

Gah.

And my mom. my fucking mom. Don't even fucking tell me that I have to love her because she's my mom, because I fucking don't. The only thing she does is belittles me, she constantly insults me. Says that my life is going nowhere, and that I'm a fatass, and that she doesn't understand how I have friends.

She's supposed to be my mom. She's supposed to comfort me, not make me feel worse about myself.

And sometimes she slaps me. Sometimes she throws things at me. She THREATENS me all the time. Yesterday she said that if I said one more word she was going to push me down the stairs, and she didn't give a fuck what happened. She wouldn't help me.

I fucking hate her. And then the next day she's all happy happy joy joy, pretending to be a real fucking mother again. She's like bi-polar or something, I don't know. It's ridiculous.

I don't even want to get more into it, because this post will be so long no one will read it. I don't even think anyone will read it as it is. Whatever. If you did read this, I fucking love you, I don't care who you are, it means a lot. <3

[Jenna]

I read it all babe.
That's terrible. I'm sorry.
My mom is like that too. I swear I want to slip her date rape drugs so she'll pass the fuck out, take out the batteries of the fire alarms, poor gas all around the house and in the house and set it on fucking fire. I'd be fucking happy.
But seriously Taylor, if this guy said you're cute and has been flirting with you, try to talk to him and see if he likes you. Just if you have a sister, don't let them talk.

[Taylor]

Ugh, exactly! All of my friends have perfect relationships with their parents, they're always saying oh I tell my mom everything. Honestly, the Giraffe that I mentioned above, her mom knows more about me than my mom will ever know. And whenever I try to tell someone about how my mom acts they interrupt me and say they don't care, that she's still my mom. It's like wow thanks.
But no, I don't have a sister. I have an older brother... I don't think he's a threat.. xD
I can't talk to him. I mean. I don't even know what to say, and I feel like when I talk to him I just embarrass myself and I'm so fucking awkward. I hung out with him once and I was shaking like the entire time and I kept saying random bullshit about things I don't even know. I think he thinks I'm crazy. asdfkajsd. i've been trying to talk to him, but I just can't. And I always just end up erasing the messages I want to send him, before I do.

[Jenna]

My brother is the only person in my family I've ever really had a heart to heart with. But I understand. It's really hard to find the words to tell anyone what's up and it takes courage to even try to tell about your mom. Every once in a while you just gotta tell them to shut the fuck up and listen.
Shit, you deserve better friends. You're a wonderful person.
I barely have any friends either but they listen. If I'm talking about my mom they listen and dont say I have to love her. They tell me it'll be okay.
And it will. Keep your head up. You'll be out of there faster than you know. Keep your head up and if you mom keeps doing this, you can call DHS or whatever they call it. You said she slaps you. If it's red afterwards, that's abuse. Hell it's abuse even if it isn't red. And it's verbal and emotional abuse to threaten you and call you fat and shit. If it gets worse, or it's just too much, call it in or tell Giraffe's mom. Tell her you really need to talk about your mom and tell her. She might be able to do something.
Just remember to keep your head up and it'll go by faster than you think.

[Taylor]

I don't think there's really anyone that I know in real life that I've had a heart-to-heart with. I wish there was someone I could, but I don't know.
I wish I knew better people.

I don't want to call that or whatever. I think I'm just going to start living with my dad soon. I haven't told her that I intend to do that, the only thing that's keeping me here is the fact that I just spent a week renovating my room, and my dog. Plus, things keep getting better, and than they get worse. I just try to leave the house as often as I can, even if it's just walking around the block until she falls asleep. But my aunt is living with us now, and she ALWAYS takes my mom's side, and she really doesn't help matters. So even when I do sometimes escape my mom, I don't escape her and I just don't know what to do to make them understand that I don't want anything to do with them.

[Jenna]

I think you should go live with your dad if it'll be better for you. Are you going to have go start going to a different school? Move to a different town? Like will it effect a lot?
Because that can be really hard. I've only had to move once but I moved to a different state not knowing anyone.
But it gave me a fresh start. So if you have to move schools and stuff, it might be hard, but it'll give you a chance to get new, better friends.
I know you probably think I'm stupid and a bitch for telling you this. Telling you to basically say fuck your mom and move, but I think it'll be better for you.
Like I'm assuming you go spend time with your dad for a bit, that could just be changed to going to your mom's. (Obviously)
Sorry I'm not much help, I suck at giving advice and my parents are still together. Although probably not for long....

[Taylor]

Well, my dad just lives in the next town over, and next year is freshman year of high school anyways, so either way I'm going to a new school. It wouldn't be that bad, and honestly I wouldn't even want to visit my mom. I go to my dads every weekend, and sometimes if I really can't stand my mom I just leave and walk to his house.
And no, I don't think you're stupid for saying that. I've been thinking about this for about a year or two now. :b

[Jenna]

Move in with him. I think it's what you really need. You need to get away from your mom's physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.
It'll help you grow as a person to be in a good environment. You need to be with someone who isn't gonna attack you. It'll be so much better for you.
New home. New town. New school. New beginning. It'll be really good for you sweetie.
Well not that new of a town but still.
Okay if this shows you anything:
I had lived in a big city for my whole life and I moved to a small town. I originally hated it but I like the change. It makes it to where I could get away from what used to be. I was always called fat and ugly and l that. So now I believe only that and not what anyone else says. Here, it's like I can be different. I like this fresh start...it's good.

That probably didnt mean much to you, but I started crying. :/

[Taylor]

Yeah, I will. I can't really do it now, though. I mean. I don't know. I'll probably bring it up this weekend while I'm staying with him.
I really hope it does help, but you know I'm sure my mom and my aunt will continuously visit me. They never understand that I don't want to talk to them. I can't just say that. I've tried and my mom thinks I'm lying because I'm angry.

[Jenna]

That's bullshit. Tell your mom you really need to tell her whats on your mind. That you don't like how she treats you and shit.
Sorry I really don't know what else to say.

[Taylor]

It isn't that simple. I can't talk to her calmly. I try to, and I just can't. She starts yelling at me. And I'm not even yelling yet and she's saying WHY ARE YOU FUCKING YELLING AT ME DON'T YELL AT ME YOU BITCH.
I can't.
Like seriously, she just started yelling at me for no reason like three minutes ago.
I don't fucking understand what she wants.

[Andyyyy]

Taylor, some guys are just huge flirts. Like, even Gandalf said he was a huge flirt. You know? I know you don't want to think that it was just mindless flirting, but it could've been. Or hey, maybe it wasn't. Maybe he likes this other girl, but he likes other people too. I mean, I know a lot of people who "like" numerous people, but there's always one person that they like the most. Who knows? Maybe he likes you a little, but you don't talk to him enough (you really don't, and you fucking know it, so don't even say anything about that! And yes, I already know that you can't talk to him, so shut up. >O <3)
Just TRY to talk to him. Normal conversations. DON'T FLIRT A LOT. Guys might be flattered by it, but they don't exactly love it when a girl just throws themselves on him. And I know you don't do that, but I don't know what the Giraffe has been telling you so. I know she flirts, but not really a lot. Most of the time she's just joking when she does that anyways. I mean, if he's flirting with you, flirt back but don't just send him a message saying "HEY UR CUTE LUL " Because that's creepy. Bahaa. I think you should talk to Gandalf. Even if she isn't online, send her a message and ask her about it. I really doubt she'd tell him, but you never know. Maybe he went on her iPod and read her messages or something? That's terrible, and a complete invasion of her privacy, but that's what brothers are for, huh?

And as for your mom, you shouldn't just let her do that. I agree completely with Jenna. You should move in with your dad, or just... Do something. Don't just sit there and let her yell and bitch at you all day. She's completely ridiculous, and I have a right to say that because I've been at your house before and I know what she does.
Maybe you should tell your friends to stop being so full of themselves and listen to you for once. Or, find someone that you can actually trust to talk to. Like I know you talk to me, but it doesn't exactly help that I live in New York and I can't always be there. So just try to talk with some people over there more, and get closer to them. Maybe it'll be easier to talk to someone, then? Otherwise, you have shit-faced friends, and should get new ones... I'm just saying...

[Taylor]

Yeah, I know some people are just huge flirts, but I don't know. He doesn't really flirt with me besides that one time he said I'm cute. Apparently, according to... er... I have no nickname for her but one of my friends said that she really genuinely thinks he likes me, but he doesn't really get it or something because I'm not his type? Which I don't buy. I mean, yeah I guess I'm not his "type" because the girl he says he likes a complete utter whore, and I'm the farthest thing from that.
You know how I am around him, though, YOU VISITED ME AND WE HUNG OUT WITH HIM AND GANDALF AND DO YOU REMEMBER HOW STUPID I SOUNDED!?! Yeah. So. I can't >.>

I barely have any friends, Andy. Honestly, they don't care, and I'm not going to force them to care. I'd rather have that rare escape where I get to hang out with one of them than stay home every single day and have to listen to my mom bitch at me about how my life is going nowhere. It's not like I can just tell her I don't have anywhere to go, because then she'll yell at me more. So. I'm just going to stick with these shitty friends for a while longer. Because it's better than being completely alone.

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