Who am I to suggest things change?

[Taylor]

This is going to be really long, and unorganized, but I need to rant and I'm sorry if you waste your time reading this.

School is over, and if I'm completely honest, I don't want it to be. Which sounds stupid and I'm completely contradicting myself, because I've been begging for summer since September.

I just don't like the summer. My friends have found better friends this year, and they hang out with them all the time. I'm stuck at home on social networking sites, and I never even talk to anyone on them. I just sit there hoping someone will talk to me. I just sit here and listen to my mom yell at me, and I'm not even sure what about.

I don't know what I expect. To find new friends like everyone I know has, to miraculously find the most perfect people ever, people who always want to hang out, because that's bullshit. Nothing good like that ever happens to me.

I don't know what I expect. To suddenly be happy because it's summer? Everyone treats me being upset as some kind of joke. No one takes me seriously, and maybe it's because I really don't tell my friends anything. I've started taking anxiety/depression medication. My doctor wants me to start seeing a psychiatrist/therapist, and my mom doesn't have the money for it but it'll apparently help me. I don't even know why I'm upset though. I don't have any crazy traumatic stories to tell. I think the diagnoses were bullshit.

I think everything's bullshit.

I think I'm starting to like this asshole kid again, and I don't want that to happen because he hurt me a lot (and we never even dated, wow). But I saw him at this carnival and he said hi to me and I don't know, I felt something again. And he was nice that day, and I don't know why. And he's started talking to me again, and I don't want him to, but I don't want to ignore him either.

And the guy that I really like definitely doesn't like me. And he definitely won't start liking me, and I need to unfollow him on twitter because I really can't stand to read another post about the girl he likes and how perfect she is. I miss seeing him everyday, and hugging him inbetween passing periods. What I really miss is the night that he brought his guitar to the park and sang with me. He always posts about wishing she'd give him a chance, but seriously, I just wish he would give ME one, but maybe I don't deserve it. I'd probably be a shit girlfriend, I'm really shitty at everything else.

I'm sick of being so poor. I'm sick of my mom wasting her money on dumb things for herself. Some nights I don't even eat, and I'm so sick of my friends complaining about their parents not buying them an iPod and three macbooks, when mine can barely buy dinner.

I'm sick of everything, I just want to sleep this entire summer away.

And I'm sorry for ranting so much, but I have no one talk to anymore. I mean maybe I do, but I don't think I want them to know some of this stuff. I know I'm probably over-reacting.